My Very First Slowmo

It was when I got my fourth “3” in college – that was my very first slowmo in life… 

I was a DOST Scholar. Without it, I, nor my parents, couldn’t afford me going to any university, even if it was public. We couldn’t even afford my daily expenses.

Back in high school, I knew I had to work hard so we won’t continue to live in poverty. I was so afraid of staying poor. It was hard. But there’s always this hope in me that after college, I could get a good-paying job and buy the things I want for myself and for my family. I did work hard. I studied so hard, I really did, I swear I did. I went to places, and I was the best in Math in our class. I even got to join a TV academic contest (Digital LG Quiz) – I didn’t win though LOLs. And again, I swear I did my best. I had to stay late in the library because we couldn’t afford to buy books or a computer. My mom would always scold me for going home late which is normal for parents, and I had to endure that because I wanted to be better. I wanted to gain more knowledge. I needed to. When my classmates would go out and have fun, there I was reading an encyclopedia. I remember all of them were practicing for our JS prom, I was alone in my teacher’s room reviewing for another contest…

Contest, after contest, after contest – this was me in high school. 

I wasn’t born a genius, so everything that I knew is because of hard work. I was so determined to get high grades and get a scholarship for college. I was the only one in our school who passed the 5-year DOST scholarship. I got to choose my school and my course. In return, I only had to maintain good grades.

College wasn’t easy. I knew I still have that determination and everything that I’d learned from high school. I knew I was still good in Algebra, I did really well in Calculus actually. But then, I was always hungry. I was always sleepy. I was always tired. Despite my scholarship, I still needed money for books, food, projects, research, and more. I tried to endure, and I continued to work hard. But really, I needed money. Money was a problem, at least for me it was. I was getting a monthly stipend, but it wasn’t enough. I had to lie to DOST, I had to work. I worked as a part-time Jollibee crew. It wasn’t allowed. I would lose my scholarship if they found out. I had no choice. I really needed a job. And so despite my determination to excel in school, my body just couldn’t. I would go to school exhausted. I would go to work, even more exhausted. I had almost given up… Same in high school, I also had to stay late in the library because I had no computer and I couldn’t afford to buy all the books that I needed. BS ECE isn’t easy for a working student. Sometimes I’d think, probably I could be a Cumlaude if I only had my lessons to think about, and not think about money, nor food, or the need to go to work… But things happen for a reason. I’m telling you, there were days that I would ask God to fast forward my life because I just couldn’t bear the load anymore…

I broke men’s hearts unintentionally. I felt sorry for them, but I only wanted a happy relationship and if things weren’t going well, I would push them away. I was sorry, and I still am. But I couldn’t add more burden, I was carrying a lot already.

And one day, I got tired. I got tired of being a nice girl. I got tired of being so good and seems like the world didn’t want me there. I’ve learned to drink alcohol with my crewmates. I’ve learned to break more hearts, intentionally this time. I’ve learned to cut class, but weird that I would still pass my exams. So I thought, that was easier! At least if I failed, I failed because I didn’t do good. Instead of failing for doing my best… 

And then I got sick. Dengue. ICU. Almost dead. Almost. When I got out of the hospital, which was a miracle, I thought I had my second chance. I’ll be better, for real this time. I studied even harder! But, more than a month in the hospital meant more than a month out of school. I had to read books, more books, more books. I would get up at 4am, leave the house at 4:30am, jeep-LRT-jeep, and be at school before 7am. Attend classes. Read during break time. Go home at 5pm. Be at home around 8pm. Eat. Read. Study. Study. Sleep for 2-3 hours only…

Then the finals… I was confident, yes. I knew I studied hard. But even if I did, I was so tired. My body, my brain, emotionally I was so exhausted.

Okay. I only needed to drop some subjects, and take them during the summer. Then get two “3”, and I’d be able to keep my scholarship…

It was when I got my fourth “3” – that was my very first slowmo in life… 

What would I do? Where would I go? Who could help me? I needed to finish college, I needed to get out of poverty, and live a happy life with my family. This wasn’t part of the plan. This wasn’t fair. I was a good girl, I thought. Why would things not go as I planned? Where was God? I felt so alone. I felt so sad, confused, and lost. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who should I ask for help.

I wanted to die, but I didn’t have the courage to kill myself. But I wanted to die, I really did. It felt like it was the end of the line for me.

I went to DOST and asked for consideration. I told them my story. But, I got declined. They took away my scholarship and took away my right to go abroad for 4 years. I was banned to get NBI clearance, a passport, and more. It’s in the contract, and that’s understandable.

So no more scholarships for me. I had to pay for my tuition fee. Still a part-time crew, I continued my study. Two more years, I could do it, I told myself. I had to. I had no choice. But my brain, it wasn’t cooperating. It was always tired, exhausted… I failed two subjects. That was so not me. Then our department head, despite me begging, didn’t allow me to enroll. I couldn’t transfer schools. TUP was the cheapest for BS ECE. I couldn’t go to TIP, and I couldn’t afford the tuition.

That time, there was no more slowmo for me. Everything around me was spinning so fast. Oh yes, I wanted to die again. And that time, I felt like I could kill myself. I had the courage already.

I went to a chapel and prayed. I was crying for two hours. I couldn’t go home. What would I tell my parents? They would be disappointed… I was so scared. I was just crying and I was talking to the Lord. I kept asking Him why. I was so young and scared… I didn’t know what to do.

I was so scared…

Fast forward, no more college for me. I continued to work as a crew. Then a high school friend invited me to work as an ESL tutor, the salary was far better. Then my mom encouraged me to apply in the BPO. There, I got promoted to coach, QA, Trainer, and Team Leader.

In my last call center job, Jesus made Himself known to me. I knew Jesus already, but this time, more personal level. He has taught me a lot of things through His word. I love Jesus, and He loves me. Since then, I’ve never felt alone EVER again. I would usually still feel scared, but never alone. Jesus even gave me the courage to get out of an 8-year wrong relationship. It’s a different story btw.

I was already earning really okay, and from being super poor I’d say we’re really better financially – not super rich but we can buy the things that we need and sometimes even the things that we want. Then Jesus asked me to get out of the boat and work as a freelancer. It’s different, the salary, the setup, the tasks… But again, I’m more than okay!

The thing with knowing how to live in need is, I am not afraid to become poor again. I don’t want to if I am to choose. But if I have to go through that again, no worries. And I did, a lot of times. But for some reason, God always gets me out of the pit. Not only financially, so as emotionally, spiritually, physically even!

This, this life that I have now. This wasn’t part of my plan. Never did I know that this has been part of His plan, even before the foundation of the earth. Oh yes, Jesus loves me. I failed a lot of times, and I would still fail for sure…

But Jesus loves me. That’s all that matters.

I am happy. I am content with my life. I do cry sometimes. Oh and I am single, and I don’t break men’s hearts now. I love what I’ve become. I love who I am because of Jesus. I was once so scared and alone. It will never happen again, I’m sure. I know, the Bible said so.

I want to acknowledge my 3rd-year hs Chemistry teacher, Ma'am Cura, who really believed in me! I am thankful to DOST for the opportunity to study in college. I didn't get to finish, but I have learned a lot in my 3.5 years at TUP. I also appreciate my parents for trying to keep up with my dreams, they were there to support me and push me. I am grateful to my friend Aisa who backed me up to work with her as an ESL tutor, where I've enhanced my comms; she's currently my financial advisor. I am glad that I had and I still have my best friend Aicel with me, and she has seen my best and my worst. My sister is like my trophy, she's like my diploma that when she graduated from college, I felt like I was the one who went up the stage (there was no stage actually LOL). Also to my brothers who I look up to, and the reason why I kept pushing harder is that they do, too. I may not have a family of my own now, but I have four nephews/nieces and all of them look like me.