The Father of the fatherless

The Father of the fatherless is He, according to Psalm 68:5.

It was around October 2013 when I first heard the correct gospel. I have been so passionate about serving Jesus. I used to not understand the meaning of being changed from the inside out until it happened to me. The chain smoker, heavy drinker, adulterer “Arby” was gone. I was made new. As I’ve come to know more about Jesus, I always knew there’s more to Christianity, though. I know there would be sufferings, there would be trials, I will be tested. Sometimes I would plead God to be gentle with me. Sometimes I would tell God to take me deeper, to give me a chance to choose Him over anything in the world. Sometimes my faith is strong, most of the time, my faith is weak.

Year over year, God has been gracious to me. He allowed my sister and my mother to have a deep relationship with Jesus, too. He also touches the heart of my brother and his partner to go with us every now and then at Sunday service together with their kids, who all are studying in a Christian school where my sister is also working as a full-time English teacher.

At work, I share how much I love Jesus – which is nothing compares to how much He loves me. I remember it was around late June or early July when I told two of my workmates who use to share their struggles with me, “nandito ako sa stage na mawala na lahat sakin wag lang yung kung ano ang meron kami ni Jesus!” And as I said it, I knew I meant every word. I was so fearless, not because of who I am, but because of whose I am.

I never thought of what would happen after I uttered those words.

When I was new to faith, I’ve been praying for my God’s best. Then God told me that His grace is enough, that He will take care of me when I grow old. Then I would ask for petty things such as promotion, financial stability, college diploma, even my own car – but again, God made me realize that none of these really matter for eternity. As I mature in Christ, I’ve learned how to count everything as lost. Yet, I’ve been pleading Him for the salvation of my family specially my father who was becoming older.

Tatay lived in San Pedro Laguna and used to work as a janitor in a private school. My parents were not legally separated, they just didn’t stay in one roof. Tatay had always been hardworking, even if the salary was unreasonable. When he does things, he would do it with all his heart. He may not be academically intelligent, but he was skilled and he has a gift of service – he would make sure that their kapitbahays’ front houses were always clean, and he would do it in exchange for nothing. We only see each other twice a month, or if there’s an occasion. The last time we had a date was Father’s Day – June 2018…

I first brought Tatay to CCF Main. After the Sunday service, I knew I had to bring him to the welcome center to explain the gospel because he hardly understood English. I talked to the person who was manning the booth to assign Tatay to someone who speaks Tagalog. I waited outside. After around 20-30minutes, he went out and I asked him what the guy told him. He said he was giving him a Bible but he returned it and said, “di ko rin naman mababasa”. I laughed, but that saddened me, yet I wanted not to underestimate the power of the word of God to save.

I wanted to believe that Tatay believed the gospel since then, but in my heart, I wanted to make sure. And so I asked him again to go with me – I had to lie the second time. I told him that I was required to bring my father in church. Actually, I didn’t really lie. Pastor Jess really asked the congregation to bring our fathers because the world needs a father. And so he stayed and even attended GLC 1 with me. Sunday service had always been part of our dates. I would normally call someone to talk to Tatay and explain the gospel. I tried to place his salvation in my hand. I was of little faith. And so I told God, whether Tatay is saved or not, God is still God after all. But I never stopped praying for my family’s salvation.

Father’s day, I made sure that Tatay and I would have a sweet date. Initially, I wanted to go to Baguio with him, but I didn’t have a budget, so I rescheduled it. We just went to Eastwood Mall, ate lunch at McDonald's, and had coffee in Starbucks, cappuccino for him and caramel macchiato for me. He even told me, “Ang mahal ng kape na yan” in front of the cashier. 😊 We had a good time, one of the best times of my life. Then we went to GLC 1 Faci Training, and attended the 3pm service to which Kuya Roli talked about ilog in Pasig. Tatay kept laughing and he was really into the message. He was listening and for the first time, I didn’t see him sleepy. He didn’t even ask for another cup of coffee. Then we went to Sta Lucia Mall, I offered to buy him a new wallet and shoes and shirt, but he said he still got unused stuff at home. He was looking at black shoes in World Balance, and I knew he wanted it. When I asked if he wanted me to buy it, he said no. I didn’t have much money left that day, so I didn’t insist on buying. We ate shawarma and then went home. I felt his joy that day even if I didn’t buy him shoes. I never thought that I would never see those smiles again.

During our APE or Annual Physical Exam at work, I was diagnosed with PTB – pulmonary tuberculosis. I was not okay with it, I told the doctors that I didn’t feel anything wrong with my body. I had to repeat my Xray. I was scheduled on July 18 at Mega Clinic in Megamall. I decided to go finish everything, go to the gym and sleep in the office instead of going home. I received a text message from my brother asking me to go home and look after his kids because he would go to San Pedro Laguna to get Tatay because he was having back pain. I told my brother that I couldn’t because I had a follow-up check-up. I slept around 4pm and set my alarm to 7:30pm. When I woke up, I saw multiple messages both in Fb and text, and missed calls. The first thing I read was, “By, uwi ka na pls,” followed by “wala na si Tatay.” That was from my younger sister.

I couldn’t understand what was happening that night, I just got up went to the bathroom, fixed myself, went downstairs, took a cab going to Cubao and bus going to Pacita. I was looking at the window of the bus, I didn’t know where to go. The only thing in my mind was, “Lord, what’s happening?” I messaged Tita Geri because I knew I needed someone to pray for me that night. I didn’t know what to tell God.

Yes, Tatay just died July 18. I remembered what I told my friends, and asked myself, “nung sinabi kong handa ako mawala lahat sakin wag lang si God, totoo pa rin ba yun?” I needed to check my heart from time to time, do I still have joy?

Whenever we talked about the Father’s love in True Life retreats, I couldn’t really relate that much. I knew He is love, He is just, He hears and He cares and a lot of things about Him. But Him as my Father, I couldn’t grasp its meaning, until I lost my earthly father. Tatay wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t a good provider, he wasn’t a leader, he wasn’t a perfect husband – but I love him. And he loved me, us. When I lost him, I felt comfort from God the Father.

I am still broken and I am really not okay. I miss Tatay and I will surely miss him during Valentine’s day, or his birthday, or Father’s Day, or even regular days. I still cry every night over losing him. Yet, I believe that he is already in heaven with Jesus. And though I lost my earthly Father, God strongly assures me through His Word that He will continue to be my perfect, good Father. I may have lost Tatay, but I still have the joy of having Jesus in my life.

After Tatay’s cremation, I went back to Mega Clinic to get the result of my lab tests. It turned out that I don’t have PTB, instead, they saw something in my heart which requires a CT Scan to determine what it is. At first, I didn’t want to undergo any more tests because to me, I am not afraid to die and I really was depressed. But seeing my mother, my sister, seeing my family, I realized how selfish I am for wanting heaven so much leaving my family behind. I wanted heaven because I wanted to escape sadness.

One night, alone in my room, God reminded me that I can be honest to Him. I told Him that I am not okay about losing Tatay. I told Him how sad I am, I told Him that I am so sorry for not spending much time with Tatay, that I am sorry for not buying him the shoes on our last date. I cried out to God, no hiding. I cannot hide anything from Him anyway. And I remember when I was young, Tatay would make sure that I won’t cry. He would give me what I would ask for, except if it would cause me harm. And when tears would fall down my cheeks, Tatay would wipe it with his nangungutim na towel and would tell me, “dusing ni kulasa”. God is somehow like Tatay, except that God is perfect. God would make sure that I wouldn’t get hurt. And if I did, He wipes away my tears, too.

Continue to pray for me. Others would think that I am a matured Christian, some say that I am tough. Well, I am weak and I need God so much to get me through this new season of my life. I need prayers.