Yes I am Single, and Blessed

I had my 1st boyfriend when i was in 1st year high school. It lasted for only a month. And after that, it became my hobby to jump in and out of relationships to the point that i can no longer remember the number of boys that I’ve hurt intentionally. Having a guy beside me made me feel secured and beautiful.

October 2005, i was diagnosed with dengue. Also early that year when i learned to smoke and drink alcohol. After few days in the hospital, the doctor told my family that my body was no longer responding to medications and blood transfusions. My family had to accept the fact that i will soon die. I could not remember all that happened because most of the times i was unconscious but the face of my tatay crying in ICU is very clear to me. So as my nanay's prayer, and how she uttered every word while crying. Morning after the doctor told my family about my condition, i got up, ate taho and my platelets count started to return to normal.

I was not yet a believer that time but i knew that prayer is powerful. Even though i didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus, i was aware that the prayer of a righteous works. My nanay’s prayer worked.

For all those times that i was in the hospital, a guy who expressed interest to be my boyfriend was there. I accepted him in spite of his addiction to cigarette and alcohol. I even had premarital sex with him at a young age of twenty. My disobedience to my parents brought me so much pain. With all my ex boyfriends, he was the first man i became obsessed with. I called it love that time. I chose to stay with him in spite of the fact that he’s a cheater. On and off for three years, my exhausted heart finally gave up. 

It was June 2008 when i met a very nice guy. And when i say nice, it was based on my standards as a non-believer. I liked him because he was tolerating my addictions and so after 6 months of courtship, I accepted his proposal to be my boyfriend. It was also a mutual decision for us to live in one roof - without our parents' consent. I used to think that it was a sweet life after all. I got everything i wished for - high position & high-paying call center company in Makati, i feel valued by my family, so-called cool barkada & a healthy relationship with this ideal man. That was my idea of a victorious life. 

November 2012 when the company i was working for declared bankruptcy. Because i depended so much in my job, worrying ate me up --- where would i get money to pay for my sister's tuition fee, for our apartment?   How could i provide for my family? And even worse questions were, how can i buy cigarette? How can i go to bars with my barkada? My life was a trash.

January 2013, i started working in Eastwood. I applied in a company I never wished to work for because it offers very low salary. Ofcourse, my boyfriend, who was also my live-in partner, was with me. His supervisor named Pep, who is now his dgroup leader, invited him to attend Morning Light - BPO Ministry in CCF Eastwood and is now called Breaktime. He ofcourse asked me to go with him. Little by little i started to know Jesus, but no personal relationship yet. I cannot grasp the truth that it's as easy as accepting Him. I knew there's more to that.

One day, a Christian friend of mine invited me to join their dgroup. I gave her a hard NO because i was busy looking for an apartment near Eastwood that time. I said i will after we move in. God was funny. Day after that conversation, we got a condo which is just one tricycle away from our work place.

October 16, 2013 i started attending dgroup under Saraah Santos, Pep's wife. After a month, i attended TrueLife retreat. I had a deeper understanding of God's love, His grace, His forgiveness. I became more inlove with Jesus.

God's amazing work in my life was a little fast. I started to change from the inside out, quit smoking & drinking, even kept myself pure physically. It also became my desire to serve Jesus. I was active in the BPO ministry, I joined the music team in CCF Eastwood, I volunteered in different outreach programs in CCF Main, and I thought that is Christianity.

For almost 2 straight years, I was living a double life. My discipler would often open the topic about adultery but I wouldn’t listen. I would even throw out Bible verses about God being loving and forgiving. I was using the Bible to justify my sin. That’s how in denial I was that we were in sin.

We have gone through several counseling from our dgroup leaders and pastors, and I even had to step down from the music team and serve privately instead. I’m telling you, it wasn’t easy. I thought that my only desire was to please God in everything that I do, but the relationship I was in isn’t pleasing to Him. Worst thing is, I knew it but I still chose to disobey my Savior. It was painful when people were questioning my faith and my love for Jesus.

Everything has come to an end. It was year 2015 when my nanay decided to attend True Life retreat in CCF Main. And because she didn’t want to go alone, I had to go with her. I thought that I was there only to take care of nanay and that everything will just be a refresher for me, but no. God is amazing. He has revealed Himself to me. Before I knew that God is love and forgiving and that He understands me and my situation but after that retreat, I had a deeper understanding of God’s character. That He is just and pure and Holy, that He hates sin. He also strategically planned our breakout group because most of the girls I was with had the same experience as I did, even worse. Since then, it became my daily habit that when I wake up in the morning, I would remind myself that God is the God of the impossible. That is my favorite characteristic of my Saviour, because I think it covers all.

It was November last year when I finally made the decision to honor God with my relationship. Yes we separated. It was quite a long story and to cut it short, I have decided to first pursue Jesus and know more about Him and stay pure in spirit and in truth before jumping into any relationship.

So today, we are both actively serving in ministries God chose for us. By God’s grace, my heart is gradually healing as it wants to seek Jesus, the only man who has shown me unconditional love. Yes I am single, but I am not broken. I am single, I am blessed and for now, Jesus wants me only for Himself, and I believe it is the sweetest type of jealousy when He said He is a jealous God.

Although I am still suffering the consequences of my past sins, the difference is, i don't have to go through these things alone now that i have Jesus in my heart. I have women who are intentional in guiding me with my walk with God, I have my Breaktime family, I am leading a dgroup of single ladies who, some, are encountering same struggles I went through before, I have my earthly family whom I love so much and most of all, I have Jesus who’s in control of every decision that I make.

To God be all the glory and honor.