Indeed I AM FREE

With my years of serving Jesus, this is the 3^rd time that I attended a True Life retreat in CCF. God never failed to amaze me…

I remember it was November 2013 when I publicly declared my faith in God in AUX True Life retreat. It felt great. By that time, I have already quit drinking and smoking, which I tried several times with my own strength but I failed. When my DGroup started to pray about it, in an instant, the addiction that I was enslaved with for more than 5 years disappeared by God’s grace. No withdrawal syndrome, I didn’t get sick, no negative effect on me. God is indeed good.

So again, yeah almost 3 years ago when I got baptized. It was Pep Santos, the head of Morning Light – BPO Ministry in CCF Eastwood, who baptized me. I remember one of the three questions was if I have ALREADY accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. He didn’t ask if I would like to, and so I said YES because in my heart, I knew I did.

Couple of days before that, we had a DGroup meeting. My DGroup leader is Saraah Santos, Pep’s wife. She asked if I would be baptized and I said, I hadn’t decided yet. She then explained to me what baptism is. That it is a command, that it’s not as if I am joining a religion, that it is a public declaration of my faith in God, that it is only if I am sure that I am saved already, that it will NOT give me eternal life. We had a bit long discussion on baptism that night, I remember, at Café Bene in Eastwood, 2^nd floor UNDER THE TREE. Haha, I’m sure my previous DGroup can relate to that…

After my first AUX True Life retreat, I became active in ministries – in Morning Light and I even joined the Music Team in CCF Eastwood. I also served in different outreach programs in CCF Main led by Sherryl Aguado. My life was almost perfect.

But there’s this one thing I couldn’t give up yet. I was still in a live-in relationship. There came Encounter 2 retreat, August 2014. It was headed by our DGroup Network Pastor, Jonathan Fenix. I remember my favorite topic was Spiritual Breakthrough and our speaker was Pastor Nathan Leigh. I was expectant that after that retreat, I would experience a breakthrough. But my heart strongly believed in satan’s lies – I knew that I was not in sin with my live-in relationship since we kept ourselves pure physically. After that 3-day Encounter 2 retreat, I came back to Manila full of disappointment. Not to God, but to myself.

I would often ask Saraah if I could lead a DGroup, and she would gently but straightforward tell me that I was in sin and so I can’t yet. And so I gave up the thought of leading and told myself that I can share the gospel even without label, that I don’t have to be a DGroup leader to share Jesus to people. And I continued on with my life…

One day, Pastor Jess Lantin with his wife, Tita Geri, counseled us regarding our relationship. They prayed for us, for God to open our hearts and to admit that we’re in sin. Since then, I hid myself and stopped from serving publicly. I still served Jesus but I was always at the back end. I had to also step down from the Music Team headed by Kuya Wendel and I didn’t find courage to once again volunteer for any outreach programs anymore. Pastor Manny Manansala also came to me one day and asked why I was not married yet to my live-in partner. I told him our story, he did not comment much but he said he will pray for me. And I knew in his eyes that he wanted to tell me more, but I was in a hurry that time and so I had to go…

I stopped attending services in CCF Eastwood. It’s better to go to CCF Main, I said. No one knew me there. I refrain from meeting people who might try to counsel me again. I didn’t want to hear anything from anyone anymore who would try to make me leave my live-in partner. I was in a strong bondage. I knew there was something wrong, but I just couldn’t let go. I knew I love God, but I just couldn’t choose Him. I didn’t know what to do…

I religiously studied all spiritual disciplines as stated in One by One. But there’s one thing that I missed… I forgot the application, or rather, I choose which ones to apply.

Tithing, quiet time, Bible reading, praying, God made then easy for me, even submission to authority, at work, and all that. God has given me sooo much desire to seek Him, But why couldn’t I honor Him with my relationship, that I couldn’t understand. I waited for God to give me strength, but He spoke to me through 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.” That was Paul speaking.

And it became clear, God wants me to obey in my weakness so I would depend on Him for strength.

That was September 2015 when my mother decided to attend Discover True Life retreat in CCF Main. I had to go with her, ofcourse. She wouldn’t go without me for sure. God was funny. How come that in my breakout group, all of them had the same struggle as mine? Some of them already overcome, some were still struggling, some had made the decision to end their sinful relationship during the retreat … including me.

James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” For years, I was living a double life. I believed that I was pleasing God with good works and service, but I missed the very important part --- my heart. It was so afraid to hurt the guy I was living with, but it neglected the fact that my Jesus was hurting too with my ungodly choices. And I hated myself for that. Truly, the heart is deceitful above all else. But God is so much bigger than my mistakes, God did not just fix my heart, He gave me a new one.

And so November 2015, after almost 8 years of being together, we separated. We both decided to honor God with our relationship. We were still hoping that we might be married someday but, we wanted God’s confirmation first.

Love is sweeter the second time around, I kinda believe it now. Jesus’ love does not change, it’s always unconditional. But mine does, and this time, I became really more inlove with Him. The more I know Him, each day, my love for Him grew stronger. And so February 2016 when my ex-boyfriend told me that his DGroup leader was asking him to break up with me and start being just friends. I agreed with him and promised that nothing will change, that we will still be good friends.

It wasn’t my plan to lead a DGroup yet, I really wanted to focus on my own spiritual growth that time. But how could I say NO to God’s calling. Saraah had to lead her couple’s DGroup and so she challenged me to lead the rest of the girls. Not more than 24 hours, after talking to God alone, and with a humble heart, I said YES. I thought it was going to be just Iya and Ian, but on our first meeting, 3 girls were already added – Jayzel, Maddie and Agnes. After a week, another 3 girls – Windy, Nadene and Emgee, and another 2 – Yochen and July, then another 1 – Michelle. And now there are 10 of us, excluding those two who were busy with other stuff and couldn’t commit to DGroup yet.

I enjoyed serving my Jesus. This is the sweetest experience ever, to be His slave, His friend. He’s my everything. Loving became easy for me because my heart is filled with so much from God. And because He did not give up on me, and so it was my burden to help single ladies who have the same struggle I went through before – and I asked God to give me patience as I don’t want to give up on them, too.

1 Corinthians 15:58. “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

Who would have thought I would be this happy? The more I know Jesus, the happier I become. Yes there are pains, yes the healing process is a bit hard, but everything I’m going through right now, I don’t know. Jesus is the God of all comfort. Jesus heals. Jesus provides. Jesus is my all. And because I am filled with so much love from my Savior, I know I have to share it.

John 15:16. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

And because He chose me, so I am choosing Him, too. I can never say NO to God so when Xley, currently heading the BPO Ministry, now called BreakTime, when he asked me to volunteer for Experience True Life, without hesitation I said YES. Funny because I thought it would be held in CCF Eastwood, I didn’t know it would be at Mt. Makiling Recreational Center. But it’s pretty obvious that it was God’s plan, so I just went on.

God has revealed so many amazing things to me since then, always but I mean, since then haha! That wasn’t me, to go with the group of people who already knew each other, and I didn’t even know any of them? That wasn’t soooo me. But I kept my focus on Jesus. From the training, to the meetings, and all, I kept talking to Jesus because most of them are already friends so I told myself, it’s okay, I got Jesus with me though.

I and my ex-boyfriend decided to cut our communication while healing our hearts. He also volunteered for ETLR, logistics, so it was easy for us to refrain from even seeing each other since I was a facilitator. Praise God because he really respected my decision and he even opted to volunteer for the solo parent ministry in CCF Main instead so we both can focus on God. I guess we are both happy and fulfilled with the decision we made. We are both focused on Jesus.

In ETLR, I love all the messages. It pierced my heart like the first time – although this was my 3^rd True Life retreat, God has never failed to amaze me. The messages seem like brand new. I was reminded of the real meaning of life – why am I here for? I was reminded that I should be living for God alone, that everything here on earth is temporal. And God once again, put a smile in my heart. I can clearly hear His voice when He said that I am free from bondage, that I am free from the penalty of sin. He freed me. He did it, not me, it’s Him. He prepared me for this, I felt it. He strategically planned everything, and I am excited for my future. My favorite message this time is Bondage Breaker.

And I recommitted my life to Jesus. With humility, I accepted Him once again as my personal Lord and Savior, not only gracious but JUST and a God who hates sin. Now, I have a deeper understanding of who Jesus is. It’s, I don’t know what it’s called. I would say, it’s perfect. To surrender everything to Him, my life, my future, my ALL.  That when I die, I want Him to tell me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

And I even got baptized again, by Kuya Roden and Kuya Oliver. I would like to proclaim once again that here I am, two years ago I accepted Jesus and now, with deeper understanding of who He really is, He does not change, His love, His grace, but since He has given me a new heart, and so this new heart of mine would like to accept my Savior again… Truly He freed me from the penalty of sin. Indeed I am free because of God.