His Tears

I've seen many people cried, very often. Me? I am tough. I am just like my father, we are tough. We don't cry.

Today, God made me recall the things that happened in the past. The difference between NOT CRYING IN PUBLIC and NOT CRYING AT ALL. And yes, I am tough in the outside but inside of me is a very weak girl. And like what I've said earlier, I am just like my father.

Five --- that's the number of times I've seen tatay cried over someone. Over someone, always "over someone", never "over something". First was when lolo passed away. I was a little kid, I couldn't remember the exact details. All I could recall was he was talking to nanay, they were both crying. Nanay was washing dishes while I was playing with my barbie dolls. My kuyas were also playing. We were too young and didn't realize what was happening.

Second, is a secret. I guess I am not ready yet to tell. But I will...

Third was when I was diagnosed with dengue. I was in ICU, I couldn't remember much of the details because I was really "groge" that time. All I knew was nanay asked him not to show me weakness. Tatay couldn't help it maybe. Before I closed my eyes, I saw him still crying while walking out of the ICU room. Nanay was beside me, she was actually always beside me.

Fourth was when lola died. I thought he was ready because lola was too old. I and my siblings were there, we tried to comfort tatay but there are no words that would ease his pain. All we could do was to stay beside him. So we did.

These are all tears of pain, longings, separation, fear, sadness ...

It's been years since my eldest brother got married. I didn't bother watching their videos until one day I visit their place and make pakielam their laptop. I saw one scene that broke my heart. While we were busy eating, and greeting, taking pictures, and all that, tatay was crying on the background. Tatay was very happy maybe? He might be very happy that he couldn't express it. Tears of joy, I could say. His eldest is finally married.

And yes, it really broke my heart. It's sad that for 28 years, only my kuya's marriage would give him a reason to be so happy that he could cry. How I pray that I could also get married one day and make my parents that happy --- both nanay and tatay. I know that I've hurt them with all the wrong decisions I've made in the past. I also know that I am still hurting them knowing that having apo from me is almost close to impossible.

Well, I am still praying that one day, I will understand why. And if I did, I will make them understand, too.